Fiction

Along with the essays on the blog, which are timely, I also occasionally write fiction and humor pieces, which are timeless. Some posts you might enjoy:

Bruce Wayne and the Prisoner of Azkaban
“Your parents were killed by a wizard, weren’t they Wayne?” “By a squib, sir. A criminal.” Snape’s mouth twitched. “A squib? Then how did he do it?” “With a gun, sir.” There was a measured note of contempt for the young professor in Bruce’s voice. Snape remained unreadable. “Why did you come to see me, Wayne? To forewarn me about your next fight, perhaps?” Bruce smiled coldly. “I want you to teach me Occlumency.”

Love and Aliens: A Car Chase
Chaz turned three of his seven light-sensitive organs to look at her. “I’m sorry. I really am. You’re really great, you know? But, like, what are we doing with this, you know? Sometimes I think we are just stumbling around together out of habit. Are we even connecting anymore?”

“What the hell is this?” Christie shouted, swerving viciously to avoid a minivan. “We were connecting last night, weren’t we? We were connecting when you fucked me with all your tentacles!”

Chapter 1, untitled cyberpunk high school detective novel
I’m feeling pretty good about the situation when he gets one in, and I hear the metal in my head rattle. For a second I black out, and I’m back in the flats forever, light flipping up over me from beneath, pouring out of the gaps between shacks as I follow tinkling giggles and singsong taunts. Then it’s gone, and I’ve got several sets of knuckles trying to bury themselves in my ribs.

Dear Journal
It gets lonely these days, since the end of the world. It’s hard to remember the way these little towns used to be: children pitching tents in backyards, folks going to work and having barbeques, worried about paychecks and elections and getting laid. I go out in the very early mornings, when everything is still blue and misty, and sometimes I think I can hear people waking up. Sometimes I let myself forget.

Jump Buddha Gun Episode 1: Concerning Swords
Gun made swords. Not little swords, neither, but big-ass swords. Swords that needed propeller fans and gas jets just so you could hold them up straight. Gun’s more naïve customers wanted giant, ornate katanas with blades that would cut you shaving if you were dumb enough and agile enough to shave with them. Gun obliged these orders with a sneer.

Jump Buddha Gun Episode 2: Tech, Tactics, Technique
Why did Gun win so awesomely? First, Gun’s bot is totally great, and all custom, baby. Line assembled bots like punk kid’s have mechanical whatsits for all the necessary limbs, but not much more. Gun’s bot has servos that can flex. Turbo charged everything. Civilian Hummer diesel engines powering each one of Gun’s forty-four finger-knuckles. Gun’s bot has gears for robot orgasms. You ever heard of gears for orgasms? Gun didn’t think so.

Jump Buddha Gun Episode 3: Under Manhattan
No treaty had been signed, of course, no meeting parleyed. But there was truce in the air, Gun said. You could smell it. It had been implied. Implied by the heartwarming fact that nine times out of every fucking ten, this didn’t happen. So wtf, guys? Where do you get off? It’s not like Gun was stupid. It’s not like his bot wasn’t equipped for just this sort of—JESUS CHRIST GOD FUCK!

Jump Buddha Gun Episode 4: Torrid Robot Love
Gun played fast and loose with romance. Bitch, slut, kiss. Slap, grab, grip. Rockets, fire, sonic boom. Continents and bloodshed. They danced/sparred and flew over rooftops, lightninglit now, a thousand grinding gears screaming screamo love songs. Titanium heels and aluminum palms scraped concrete and rattled glass. The flirtation was in their parkour.

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